If you’ve ever been in an argument with someone (or even had a conversation with someone) and said something that you almost immediately regretted after, you’re not the only one.
There’s something in communication that often gets lost: the intention behind what you’re saying and the impact it had on someone else. For example, you might get frustrated with yourself because of something you did wrong. Still, you could come off as harsh and angry when talking to someone else without even meaning to. Suddenly, they think you’re mad at them when you are really just upset with yourself. In the same situation, you could say something you meant in a way you didn’t mean. Maybe your intention was to explain yourself, but it was interpreted as shifting blame to the other person.
In a different situation, you could also be trying to say something helpful that comes across as abrasive or naggy. Instead of providing a gentle reminder with good intentions, you’ve made the person you’re talking to feel confined, stuck, or attacked.
These misunderstandings happen all the time, and while it’s just a misunderstanding, it can cause some real damage. Without intending to, we could offend or hurt someone we care about – even if we had good intentions.
Generally in these situations, you notice what went wrong and want to explain your intentions quickly to improve the situation. It was all a misunderstanding, so an explanation should set the record straight and make everything okay again, right?
Unfortunately, once you’ve hurt the person you’re talking to, they’re not usually receptive to your explanations. They want you to know that you hurt them and need to empathize with them rather than explain yourself.
The best way to deal with a situation like this is to listen first, affirm or apologize, and then explain your intentions afterward. If you explain your intentions first, it could lead the other person to believe that you’re invalidating their feelings and not realizing the impact that you actually had on them.
Next time you have a misunderstanding like this, try hearing out the other person (or encouraging them to hear you out if the roles are reversed). Empathize with how what you said affected them, even if that wasn’t your intention. Then, after you’ve listened to their side and apologized, you can explain your intentions.
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