There’s plenty of science backing the fact that certain hormones (chemicals produced by organs in the body) are released when we have sex. They usually talk about all of the effects that the release of these chemicals can have on us. What isn’t talked about nearly as much is that sex is an attachment behavior.
As humans, we need some form of attachment in our lives. This starts from a young age, with a need for parental attachment. As we grow up, it evolves to include things like romantic attachment. With that in mind, let’s jump into the science of attachment.
Hormones
There are a few key hormones that are produced when we’re forming bonds with people. One of these is called oxytocin. This is a hormone that helps us bond with other things. It increases feelings of intimacy and trust and can increase connection and love. It can also increase behaviors that are considered to be loving.
This hormone is present in multiple areas and stages of our lives. One of these areas is sex, but the other is actually when we’re babies. If a mother decides to breastfeed her child, oxytocin will be released during breastfeeding. Both of these instances can help build a bond between people.
The Types of Sex
As humans, there are three different types of sex that we generally partake in. Understanding the differences and similarities is essential to understand the attachment behind sex.
Type 1
The first type of sex is what I’ll refer to as “Just Sex.” This is when you have sex just for the sake of having sex and remove the emotional and connective aspects from it. With the lack of connection, people may need sexual stimulation more than they might if they were satisfied correctly and fulfilled. It could also lead to people needing more work to get them aroused in the first place.
This can cause issues in the relationship because this demand for sex isn’t necessarily practical for a long-term relationship. Then there’s too much resentment and potential negativity building up but not enough of an emotional connection to tie you together to help find some balance.
It’s important to remember that, while sometimes Just Sex is fine, you do need to work to build an emotional connection. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and become emotionally available and present with your partner.
Type 2
The next type of sex is “Reassurance Sex.” This is when you have sex to reassure you or your partner of your love for them. What was once something that you would do comfortably and enjoy is now a new ground for judgment. This is especially true when feelings of needing to be “shown” that you’re loved by using sex are at play.
This type of sex can increase the “need” or demand for sex, even if you’re not satisfied afterward. When you partake in this kind of sex, you’re trying to feel connected without being emotionally available or vulnerable enough for an actual connection to be built. This can also lead to problems in the relationship itself, including resentment.
Type 3
The third type of sex I want to talk about is what I refer to as “Secure Sex.” Secure Sex happens when both parties are secure in their relationship and are unafraid (or at least less afraid) of being vulnerable or forming a connection. There’s usually less anxiety, fear (of rejection), and disconnection when you partake in this kind of sex.
With the lack of other suffocating feelings that may cause you to hold back, you’re given enough room and freedom to play, experiment, and express your wants and needs. This allows you enough space to actually enjoy sex and be fulfilled. There’s a level of safety, security, and intimacy available that you might not be able to find otherwise.
In Conclusion…
Sex is actually a part of forming positive attachments with romantic partners. With the hormones released during sex and the general vulnerable state that you are in, sex can actually increase your feelings of trust, safety, and security with a person. The attachments that are formed while having sex can actually affect your relationship in and outside of the bedroom, making a healthy, secure relationship.
We’re here for you if you need support working through attachment or other relationship challenges. You can find us on our website at https://thattherapyspace.com/, by phone at (509) 800-7129, or by email at [email protected]. We are located in Liberty Lake, Washington, just minutes from Spokane, WA, and Coeur D’ Alene, ID.