Have you ever argued with someone and ended up feeling absolutely defeated?
All that arguing, and still, no progress has been made. Somehow, you even feel further away from a solution than before the argument started. Instead, you’re stuck in a cycle of either shouting at or pulling away from each other. This can lead to resentment and pain in the relationship. The once strong sense of safety is evaporating.
Suddenly your arguments mean more than they used to. You’re hitting a wall with each other and unsure how to experience a breakthrough.
If any of the above resonated with you, you’re probably experiencing an intense cycle of issues in your relationship. It can prevent your relationship from flourishing or even cause terrible damage to a once beautiful relationship.
This may sound disheartening, but there is an upside: You’re not alone in this experience, and you can get through this. You can break the cycle and get your relationship back and better than ever.
The Basics
This cycle isn’t actually a cycle of constant arguments. It’s a cycle of reactive emotions. Longing, hurt, and fear all join forces to wreak havoc on your relationship by masking your true desires in most arguments; being seen, heard, and validated.
It’s often difficult to notice the root of your partner’s desires when everything is moving so quickly in an argument. Sometimes it’s hard to know how to slow down enough to solve issues that arise rather than continuing to hurt your partner.
You can work to understand what triggers each person to be launched into their own reactive cycle, though, and start bonding instead of escalating the situation. Once you know each other’s triggers, you can work together to heal and work through them. You can start building a safe space again!
The Players
Before we continue with the solution, we must discuss the two players in this problem.
For the One That Instigates
The Instigator usually isn’t even intending to instigate at the beginning of the conversation. They typically start with logic and reasoning to solve a problem. Then they move to reactivity when they realize it’s just not working. As the conversation escalates, they get even more frustrated and overwhelmed.
If their temper is lost, a slew of intense feelings can occur.
Rage, sobbing, yelling, and even violence can present themselves.
The Instigator might feel like their partner isn’t listening to them or like nothing is getting through to them. This leads them to give up and leave.
For the One That Withdraws
The Withdrawer will pull away rather than exhibit emotion. They do not want the confrontation and get overwhelmed when their partner won’t calm down or back off.
They will also start with reason and logic. However, instead of escalating as the situation does, they retract, leaving an Instigator more irritated. If the Withdrawer does respond, it’s almost always in a defensive way, for example: using sarcasm. The Withdrawer is also usually feeling agitated. They may believe that their partner is impossible to talk to and shut down because they cannot think of another response to defend themselves.
How to Fix It
When you’re in the moment, finding a solution to this cycle can feel like it’s impossible. If one (or both) of you have difficulty regulating your emotions, it can feel even harder to find something that could help.
The first step is identifying where you each fall within the realm of the Instigator and the Withdrawer. There can be relationships with any combination of the two, which is part of why it’s so important to figure out where you stand.
The inability to express yourself constructively often starts with not understanding who you are or being self-aware. Unfortunately, the lack of understanding of yourself and your emotions begins in childhood. It’s usually a conditioned behavior, but you can train yourself to respond differently.
By understanding this cycle, you can notice where you and your partner fit within it and find a way to fix it by using that knowledge!
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If you’d like additional help, you can find us on our website at https://thattherapyspace.com/, by phone at (509) 800-7129, or by email at [email protected]. We are located in Liberty Lake, Washington, just minutes from Spokane, WA, and Coeur D’ Alene, ID.