Infidelity (cheating, affairs, etc.) is a sensitive topic no matter what your experience with it is. It’s hard to talk about and even harder to know exactly how you would respond if it happened to you. But the most difficult part would be actually experiencing an affair and deciding how to move forward afterwards.
Oftentimes when people think about infidelity, they wonder “is this the end?” My answer is that it doesn’t have to be. It’s possible to come out on the other side with a stronger relationship. I’ve talked a bit about the different ways a couple could reconcile following infidelity, should they choose to do so. Now I think it’s important to discuss the actual mechanics behind why infidelity hurts so much and how you can move forward.
Infidelity: Why Does it Hurt So Much
Infidelity can feel like the end of your world. It can tear you apart and make you doubt yourself. Infidelity can be truly traumatic. But why does it hurt so much? Well, there are a couple reasons. The first is that the idea of love is often built up to be a lifelong, forever fairytale. When you meet someone that you can see yourself spending forever with, infidelity is the arch nemesis of love. It challenges your own ideals and anything you might have thought of as true leading up to that point. Did your partner really love you? Is love really sacred? Can you trust anyone? Everything is drawn into question and the affair can end up becoming bigger or more significant than anything else you’ve ever known or experienced.
The other part of why infidelity hurts so much is that we can feel so very alone when it happens. In the last 25 years, Americans have lost 30-60 percent of their social capital (a.k.a. the relationships they have with other people) and therefore have fewer people to reach out to when something significant happens in their lives. This translates to us having fewer non-romantic relationships and a potentially weaker support system. All while society pushes the narrative of needing a romantic relationship. With fewer platonic (friendly) relationships, our partners can become our everything. Then, if something happens to that relationship, we can feel alone, hurt, and worthless.
It’s important to remember that while infidelity can feel like an experience that will ruin you, it is possible to grow and be more resilient for experiencing it. You are not alone and you can find your way to the other side of it.
How Can We Move Forward
So how can we move forward from infidelity?
First you have to decide if you want to end the relationship or move forward with the same partner that cheated on you. If you decide to end the relationship, that is okay. It is a valid response to infidelity. From that point, you can get counseling or therapy to work through the trauma that comes from being cheated on.
If you decide to stay in that relationship and try to reconcile, you need the person that hurt you to acknowledge that they have done so. It’s important to make sure that you give your partner the space to acknowledge that they hurt you without saying that they’re a bad person. From that point, you need to recalibrate. This shock to your system should give you a new sense of entitlement. You can demand more from the relationship. By demanding more, you can actually shock the relationship out of complacency and put yourself on a path to growth. This is how you transform the relationship and come back stronger.
The Need For Help
Once you experience infidelity, you could have some very strong (and very valid) emotions. It can be a painful and traumatic experience, so if you need help processing it, that’s okay. It’s important to remember that infidelity doesn’t have to be the end if you don’t want it to be.
If you need support, we’re here for you. This includes determining what to do with your relationship, working through the emotions that arose from cheating or being cheated on, and putting the relationship back together better than ever. You can find us on our website at https://thattherapyspace.com/, by phone at (509) 800-7129, or by email at [email protected]. We are located in Liberty Lake, Washington, just minutes from Spokane, WA, and Coeur D’ Alene, ID.