I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “it’s the thought that counts” about gift giving.
The ability to connect with people works in very much the same way.
Real connection is like giving a gift, one of the most thoughtful ones you can give (for FREE!).
Intentional attention is one of the most powerful gifts you can give. There’s really nothing like getting someone’s sincere attention.
Everyone desires to be understood and feel appreciated, seen, and heard. When we take the time to care about what another person is telling us, we can actually help others communicate and build a relationship with us.
Some people can naturally make people feel cared for and appreciated. Some people just love people, want to know everything about them, and hear their stories. They can instantly make someone feel safe and welcome.
That said, even if you don’t naturally have this ability, you can learn it quickly.
What is the Key to Connection?
Sincerity goes a long way.
Many meaningful connections can be made by just giving your time, presence, and attention to the person you’re speaking to.
Think back to a conversation you had with someone in the last month. Did you feel like they listened to you? Like they really listened and understood everything you were saying? Or did you feel like they were only listening to what you were saying so they could come up with something to respond with?
How did you act in that conversation? Did you listen to understand or listen to respond?
If you listen to respond, you’re one of many.
So many of us believe our main contribution to a conversation is in the response we give. Once you’ve responded, your job is done.
While it is important to deliver a good response, if we only focus on that piece of communication, we miss out on the listening aspect.
Listening to respond and listening to understand are two very different things. Learning the difference and learning how to listen to understand are both super easy.
Listen to Respond vs. Listen to Understand
So what’s the difference between listening to understand and listening to respond?
The key difference between these two types of listening really comes down to the intention behind why you’re listening.
If you’re listening to what someone is saying because you want to understand their point of view and hear their perspective, you’re listening to understand. This also involves listening to what the other person’s body language is telling you.
If you’re listening to someone to think of a way to respond and stop listening as effectively because you’re thinking about your response, you’re listening to respond.
How to Listen to Connect
Step 1: Listen to Understand
Make sure your intentions are clear: you want to listen to understand.
Then you can ensure you’re listening to what the other person is saying. What’s their tone like? What’s their body language telling you? What facial expressions or hand motions are they making? Work to understand the emotional, verbal, and non-verbal parts of what they’re telling you.
Step 2: Take a Moment to Collect Your Thoughts
Ensure you’ve registered everything you were just told and process it. One way you can do this is to summarize their story and say it back to them, asking if you got everything before responding.
Step 3: Ask for More
Once you’ve responded, you can even ask for more information! You can easily say, “Tell me more about…” to pull even more information from the other person while showing them you care about what they’re saying.
Pro Tip:
Use “what” and not “why” when you ask questions. Asking “what” someone’s experiences were like is usually more comforting and understanding than asking “why” someone did something.
Everyone wants to feel a connection.
By working on listening to understand the person we’re talking to, we’re making them feel a connection. We can give people the gift of feeling understood and cared for.
Next time you find yourself in a conversation with someone, try these tips to create an instant connection and feel how the conversation flows differently.
If you’d like additional help with this, or are looking for a therapist, you can find us on our website at https://thattherapyspace.com/, by phone at (509) 800-7129, or email at [email protected]. We are located in Liberty Lake, Washington, just minutes from Spokane, WA and Coeur D’ Alene, ID.