Did you know that the type of intimacy that can cause the most difficulty in a relationship is emotional intimacy?
Intimacy can be defined as a sense of closeness we might feel with someone when we’re being vulnerable or fully open with them. Emotional intimacy requires a certain perceived level of safety that other forms of intimacy don’t. This is especially true because you must share your honest thoughts and feelings when you’re emotionally intimate.
Emotional intimacy is tricky, though, because you must work hard to create a strong enough foundation. In this article, I’ll guide you through building the foundation and dealing with the roadblocks of emotional intimacy.
Roadblocks
A Matter of Time
Our society doesn’t often prioritize time to create a deep connection. There’s just so much to do that setting aside the time can be really hard. Work frequently takes precedence over our personal relationships, especially with the deadlines we constantly have to meet. We have to get stuff done and done well. With such a priority on work and material things, it’s easy to sacrifice self-care and relationships. We just stop being present.
On top of all the work obligations that pull our time and energy, we also have responsibilities at home. We have to take care of the kids, pets, and house and then juggle the social and community commitments. So between all of that, we don’t get to make time to connect.
Fear
From a young age, we learn to understand emotions and feelings and how to behave. When we’re kids, our priorities and behaviors are usually dictated by how we’re raised. This is really a reflection of society and the place you grew up. Many people don’t believe that your feelings should be expressed or that only certain emotions are acceptable. We generally learn this the hard way, though, after punishments or being discredited for having some feelings. This can cause us to lose touch with the rest of our emotions at a young age.
Then, as adults, we continue to hold ourselves back. We’re still scared to be open because of how we grew up and fear that rejection, abandonment, or punishment.
Battle of the Sexes
The role of women in society has been shifting for the last forty years, and we’re now living in a time where there’s a radical difference in women’s gender roles. Unfortunately, men’s roles haven’t evolved at the same rate.
More and more people desire emotional intimacy in their relationships. However, our society still pressures boys to grow up into strong men who do not show their emotions or even acknowledge that they have any. When men are raised in such a way, it’s hard to snap into a sensitive, vulnerable, intimate state as adults.
Most people are taught that vulnerability is weakness and can not be associated with strength. Or that vulnerability is a weakness in themselves and others, which makes it difficult to have empathy when others are vulnerable. That said, men often experience this to a more severe degree. We’ve all probably heard statements that translate to “men aren’t emotionally available, vulnerable, or sensitive.”
With all of this in mind, it’s easy to see how there’s a disconnect in relationships. Most of the time, men perceive vulnerability as a problem that needs to be solved, even though women usually want to vent and share how they feel.
This doesn’t mean that anything is really wrong with men. The real problem is how society defines masculinity vs. femininity.
Unfortunately, the current standards for masculinity are also perpetuated by women. Because of the way men have been built up as having to be strong, they’re often made fun of by everyone (including women) when they finally open up. The phrase “man up” is still said consistently, pushing the idea that if a man is sensitive, even for just a second, they’re weak or less of a man. The same treatment from childhood follows them into adulthood. It reinforces the idea that men cannot be vulnerable and viewed as men.
Building a Foundation
Nurturing Emotional Intimacy
So with all that in mind, how do we cultivate emotional intimacy?
- Be more accepting. Learn how to talk about your thoughts, feelings, and frustrations without belittling each other. Share your feelings without blaming others, and keep an open mind. With something like this, any progress deserves to be celebrated.
- Listen to what your partner is saying. There is often a fear of judgment at play in any relationship, especially when you start talking about vulnerability. When your partner is sharing how they feel, listen to understand. Don’t worry about how you’ll respond. If you need support with this, I have another article with tips to improve listening skills that you may find helpful. Essentially, your goal is to mirror, validate, and empathize.
- Pay attention. Building emotional intimacy requires you to pay attention to the other person and show that you appreciate them regularly, not just when something’s going wrong. Take time to learn your partner’s love language, so you know the best way to show your appreciation in a way that makes them feel loved.
- Help soothe. We are not made to be alone; most times, just knowing that someone is there for us can help calm us down. Be physically and emotionally present and offer support, not a solution.
Emotional intimacy takes time. Understand that this is a long process and that it’s okay to make mistakes. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work through this together.
If you’d like additional help, you can find us on our website at https://thattherapyspace.com/, by phone at (509) 800-7129, or by email at [email protected]. We are located in Liberty Lake, Washington, just minutes from Spokane, WA and Coeur D’ Alene, ID.