Have you ever experienced a time when you remember something one way and someone else remembers it entirely differently? Maybe you remember going on an incredible trip, but the person who planned the trip had an awful time because nothing went according to plan. Or perhaps the opposite! Either way, you may have had different experiences based on your expectations (or assumptions) leading up to the trip.
A similar thing happens in relationships, only it’s usually more damaging.
There are always multiple sides to a story. When you ask one person to tell you about what happened in a given situation, often times the other person could tell you a totally different version of the story. This makes me think about how our lives are shaped by our viewpoints, feelings, and thoughts.
Applying some of our thoughts to a given situation without getting any proof can create many issues in our relationships. That’s why assumptions are dangerous even in healthy relationships.
What’s an Assumption?
So what is an assumption anyways?
An assumption is a thought or belief that someone can have without having any proof for it.
Everyone makes assumptions all the time. Assumptions aren’t necessarily bad by nature. They can protect you or even help you to develop an idea about how to approach a situation. But assumptions in relationships can turn out to be dangerous if you let them cloud your judgment.
For example, your partner might say they’re working late or got held up at work. You could assume they’re lying to you because of a past experience when someone said the same thing but wasn’t being honest. Or you could assume they’re just working late if you’ve never been in a position where that was used as a lie.
Even if your partner doesn’t deserve judgment, you might assume the worst because of things in the media, your past, and any number of other factors that could affect your assumptions.
How to Control Your Assumptions
The first step to managing assumptions starts with reflecting on yourself and your beliefs.
What are your beliefs? How did you develop them? Do they still make sense for you or serve you? Do they hold up under scrutiny? What’s the evidence you’re using to back up your beliefs? Does it still serve as evidence, or was there another explanation?
By reflecting on your personal beliefs, you can understand them and yourself better and find the freedom to possibly make different assumptions.
You can also use your new awareness to come to an important realization. Your partner probably has the same issues with their beliefs!
You’ve both probably been making assumptions about the things happening in your relationship, even if they’re not accurate. Instead of seeing what’s truly happening, you see your assumed version of the situation.
So how do you even resolve conflicts if you’re stuck in assumptions?
The best way to help manage your assumptions is to check in with each other to clarify what you each think is happening in the situation. Then you can talk through any assumptions if necessary.
Are Assumptions Causing Problems in Your Relationships?
Like many things, checking in on assumptions is easier said than done. It can feel awkward to bring up in a conversation or like you don’t even need to ask until you’re in a massive argument. But then, once you’re arguing, there isn’t an easy way to bring it up.
There’s a great signal to ask about assumptions, though.
If you bring something up and your partner responds in a way that feels off, you can ask them what they’re experiencing and how they’re viewing the situation. You could even ask if they’re assuming something and reacting to it instead of the situation at hand. Just make sure to bring this up nicely because it’s easy to ask these kinds of questions condescendingly.
One way to ask could be, “It seems like you’re responding a little more off than usual. Can you tell me what you thought I meant?”
This could open you up to a good conversation where you work through issues and come to a reasonable conclusion rather than blowing up into an even bigger argument.
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As you can see, assumptions can cause confusion and turmoil in any relationship. That’s why it’s crucial to maintain good, clear communication.
Next time you find yourself in a situation where your beliefs could negatively impact your relationship, take a moment to think through the possibilities of what’s really happening. Use facts from experiences with this person to inform your response rather than assumptions based on your past.
If you’d like additional help, you can find us on our website at https://thattherapyspace.com/, by phone at (509) 800-7129, or by email at [email protected]. We are located in Liberty Lake, Washington, just minutes from Spokane, WA and Coeur D’ Alene, ID.